Posted in life, relationships

Divorce – Check

The first big item has been checked off the list. Divorce was final on the 7th and we got our decree and final paperwork in the mail yesterday. As we are still friends, still living together, always very amicable, I don’t feel a huge sense of relief, anxiety, or anything. It just is what it is and the first big item to be checked off the list of things to do on the way to my new life.

Yesterday I took the afternoon off to start the process of becoming the new old me. And by that I mean that I went to the Social Security Administration and changed my last name back to my birth name. So begins the process of updating that on all my accounts, work, etc. But worth it. Before I got married I was excited to have a common last name. I was young and stupid and didn’t yet understand the value of my name for both its uniqueness and its power in the state in which I lived. My family live big lives having big impact there and I lost all that when I foolishly took a new last name. I’m very much looking forward to being one of only two people in the entire world with my name.

Of course this process was not without drama. While waiting my turn a young man entered, sat down behind me, and within one minute of being there took an attitude with the guard and began shouting and swearing at him. It quickly escalated into a physical altercation between the two men, spilling over onto the people around them. We moved aside as best as possible while they continued to yell and grapple with one another until the guard was able to shove him out into the hallway. The guard locked us in.

Have you ever watched something on TV or heard about something frightening or tense and said “if that was me I’d…(fill in the blank)…”? Well I learned what I’d do in a situation like that. I typically remain calm in emergency situations like bad weather, car accidents, fires, etc, but this was the first time in my life that I’ve ever felt personally threatened by a stranger and in fear for my life, the security guard’s life, and everyone in that waiting room. I thought about what I had in my bag that could be used as a weapon, suggested someone call 911, and about how we might escape given that we were on the 4th floor and there was only door into the office. As we heard more shouting in the hallway and the sounds of people being slammed into walls someone called 911 and we began to discuss a plan for getting further inside the building to an area where there was another door. People had pens, hairspray, nail files, charging cords, and other random items from purses and bags ready. I had my knitting needles.

None of it was needed and the situation was contained within about a half hour. Some men from adjacent offices heard the commotion and helped and the police arrived shortly thereafter and removed the man. Whew. It was very frightening but I feel good about my ability to remain calm and think clearly about what to do in a dangerous situation.

As if the SSA and the angry guy weren’t enough for one afternoon, I decided that I’d try to to change my driver’s license and car title and registration since it was only about a mile away from the DMV. But they turned me away stating that I need the actual new SS card first so I’ll have to take time off again maybe next week to get that done. I’ve decided to make the name change while I still live here so that I can go home (whenever that will be) as the new old me and start over. It means having to do some of these things twice, but I think it will be easier and worth it in the long run to arrive there and only need to establish residency rather than that plus mismatched name stuff. I’ve already changed my name on two credit cards and had them sent to my mom’s address so the residency thing is already managed.

Now I just need to get a move home date. Still the biggest issue on the list. I’m less anxious about it as it seems like it’s OK with everyone and just needs final approval and a date. Jay is closing on the refinance at the end of the month so offloading the house  is all but checked off the list.

Posted in life

Thinking Positively

Had a great time at Andrea’s last night. Good friends, good snacks, and fantastic, stimulating conversation. Also snuggling with both her dog and cat always make my day. So many touchy subjects discussed with A, her husband Jeff, and the other girls and all of it completely respectful. The agreeing to disagree is so easy and very educational at the same time. Last night I learned things I never knew about slavery, religion, politics, family. It’s always that way with A and J thought. They are just such an inspiring couple and family and I’m going to miss them a great deal. Andrea in particular helps keep me grounded. She’s the voice of reason amongst us and approaches everything from a position of love and respect which challenges me to be a better person every day but especially in light of the tumultuous things going on in my life right now. Therapy helps too 🙂 We discussed Skyping me into group a few nights a week which I would welcome so much. I’m not sure a group like this one exists back home so I’ll have to spend some time finding one or creating it myself.

I cannot wait to get home and really dig into some specific areas of interest. I’ve been somewhat involved here with some hot topic issues but have been reluctant to jump in too deeply knowing that my time here is limited. I don’t like to commit to causes or groups knowing that I’m going to abandon them shortly so I’ve stayed along the fringe somewhat lately. But I’m typically the person who instigates shenanigans so I’m looking forward to being that person again with my friends and family back home.

Came home quite late last night but still had a productive conversation with Jay about when to split the money, how to split it, how to move forward with me still living here temporarily, and just lots of financial details. All very amicable and we agreed on everything. He wants to be more generous with the money than I would be comfortable with so there’s still some discussion around that which needs to take place. Or I’m just going to have to randomly give money back or something. LOL I don’t know. We’ll figure it out somehow.

Talked to my mom for about an hour before work this morning and she’s swaying me back in the direction of living with her for a few months and keeping my few possessions in storage until I find a house to buy. She makes a good point about not having to make two moves when I could just stay with her, find a house, do some renovations if needed, then move. So I’m leaning toward that direction again. It would be convenient for me and I know she’s very lonely all by herself in that huge house so it wold be a comfort to her. And she’s getting closer to needing that knee surgery and I’m getting the feeling that she might pull the trigger on that knowing I’ll be literally right there to help. More stuff to think about for sure.

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. All I need is this one last thing (the transfer) to happen and I’ll have done it. What I thought might not be possible a year ago is looking more than fairly probable. Fingers crossed and not counting my chickens or eggs or however that saying goes, but if this works out it’ll be the biggest thing since D.B. Cooper.

Need to get to the self-storage place today to get some wardrobe and picture boxes. I’ve got more packing to do!


Posted in life

Seasons Change

Spring. Though we are expecting colder temps and maybe a little snow this weekend, the state is in bloom. In so many ways. As I drive home from work today I will be treated to the plethora of ornamental trees planted in business parks and growing randomly on the roadside. Although Autumn and October are my favorite season and month, I’ve come to appreciate spring much more. It’s one of the few things I like about living here. The weather is more mild and the winter season is about one month shorter here so everything is flowering and cheerful sooner than I’m accustomed.
And today I am cheerful as well. It’s been a good day. Weeks pass with no news, no update, no forward progress. Then out of the blue life has a growth spurt and things start to happen. Today things happened.

News on my transfer – they’re setting up space for me, then it goes to executive approval, then hopefully I’ll have a move home date. Would love it to be the beginning of May so I have a few weeks to blast home, find a place, and get back down here to finish packing. Rachel is already looking into potential rentals for me. If this plan works I’ll be able to experience spring again but I’m the north. ❤️

The house – Jay has started the refinance process all on his own and it’s moving along nicely. I’m being as helpful as possible and have been the model of patience as he asks for paperwork, passwords, and help filling out documents. He has given me a huge gift in deciding to stay in the house so I have zero reason to crab about it. As the judge said, its good that we are still friends and are communicative and cooperative.

Banking – I opened my own bank account yesterday. This was the first thing that really upset me and I choked up a bit during the process. It’s one of those “this is really happening” steps that hit home. The splitting of the money, the knowing that it’s all on me now to sink or swim by budgeting within just my income. It will be so much easier when I’m home.

Work – Last month I submitted a suggestion via the employee suggestion program at work. I’ve had ideas for improvement in the past but this is the first one for which I was able to write up a feasibility study based on actual people hours and dollars saved by implementing some small changes and it added up to a fairly large amount so I submitted it for review. Today it went to the next higher level. So it didn’t get knocked out from the beginning, two panels of reviewers think it’s a good idea, and if they implement it I’ll get a big fat bonus that I can use to take my mom to Harry Potter world. Or do something boring like buy a couch. But let’s face it, I’ll probably go to Harry Potter 🙂

I think I’m missing something but it escapes me just now. Headed out for GNO with my friends which is another good thing to look forward to.

Happy Wednesday!

Posted in life


Hurray for Friday. Happy to have a few days off but I’ve got loads on my mind so it would be just as well if it was Monday again. Not that I got a whole lot done today with my mind being so unfocused. So things have slowed but that means I’ve got way too much time for my brain to be spinning around up there thinking about all things over which I have zero control. 

My anxiety has been walking a tightrope over a windy canyon most of the week so I’m right on the edge of out of control. And because I’m a control freak I don’t want to take pills nor cry it out. A lot of my stuff is in storage (bad move) so I’m looking through my self care list for things I can do that don’t involve packed objects or too much effort. Yoga, coloring, and most fiber crafts are packed, so that leaves exercise (ugh), TV (meh), call R (don’t want to dump my drama on her), or something else. I’ve tried meditating which doesn’t do a lot for me but I guess I’ll give that a try. This place is an outlet to an extent but focusing on writing about my troubles sometimes just keeps them locked in my head. 

 Right now all I want is a yes or no decision on my transfer and a move home date. I just want to go home, lay my head in my mother’s lap and cry for three days or until I become a human raisin; whichever happens first. Which says a lot about my state of mind since my mother is not generally nurturing like that. I guess it’s some sort of instinct to feel that need to be mothered when all goes pear-shaped. My brother’s fiancé would even do. She lovey and huggy to the max. 

There are far too many balls spinning around at the moment and I need some of them to start dropping into place. All the distractions are affecting my ability to get shit done at work and affecting my interpersonal relationships. I’m cranky and short with people. I’m not patient at all but the little that remains is wearing very thin. I feel like I’m on eggshells all the time.

The divorce should be final soon but that’s the easiest part of all this. Jay has decided that he doesn’t want to move yet so he is looking into buying me out of the house which should be a huge weight lifted if/when that happens. The transfer is still working its way up the food chain or is sitting unread in someone’s Inbox. I’ve applied for every other transfer I am qualified for but even if they are interested in me, all non-essential hiring is frozen until mid-April at the earliest. They can post jobs and interview but can’t make any offers or start to move people into new positions until then. So the biggest thing is on hold.

Thankfully things with Jay are the same as they’ve been for years so there is little drama at home. We share the house and bills, he does his thing, I do mine. 

Oh here comes my sweet kitty! Such a love bug. She always knows when I need some love, cuddles, and purrs. She and I are off to meditate. Have a great weekend.

Posted in health, life

Slow Down

For the shortest workweek in history, it’s seemed extraordinarily long. I will be glad to see the backside of it tomorrow and spend the weekend relaxing.

Bossbeast has been on vacation since last Thursday so it’s been nice not having her around getting in my way. Things with my trainee are getting to the tricky point where I cannot as easily and readily answer some of her questions so the training is becoming more challenging but it’s a good exercise in patience and persistence. She regularly tells me that she’s learning a lot and that I’m super helpful and patient so that’s a good thing.

No new updates on my transfer since the 13th when I signed a form acknowledging that, if I’m allowed to transfer, my pay will decrease slightly due to the change in cost of living compared to where I live now. I think that means that the decision is still being mulled over by the executive team and I will hopefully hear something next week.

There were a few tense moments over the weekend when I had to snark Jay into action with regard to the two household chores that he had promised to do the previous weekend. I informed him that this move is not going to go down in the usual manner in which all of our moves happen. I.e., I am packing up my stuff and helping to get things ready but I am NOT packing the entire house like I always do. He needs to start cleaning up his areas and deciding what stuff he’s keeping and what is going. My plan is to make only ONE trip back here after the house sells to help him move, get the remainder or my things out of here and to clean up for the new owners. That seemed to do the trick and he spent all day Sunday cleaning the basement and workshop as well as a few outside chores. I really don’t like to get snarky with others. I find that calmly discussing things works best, but sometimes with him I have to really lay it on the line. That feels particularly bad since I’m the one driving all of this chaos even though this whole situation exists due to his disinterest in being a good husband and having a happy marriage. Anyway, I got snarky because I wasn’t feeling well at all and he wasn’t doing his part. Saturday I woke up crazy early in the morning in severe pain. I had the worst cramps I’ve ever had in my entire life but managed to power through all of my chores even though I just wanted to crawl into a ball and hibernate/cry in a dark closet. But the work was done and we’re in better shape to hopefully list the house soon.

Monday I had an appointment with Dr. P which seemed to pass very quickly. I had some challenges with anxiety since last time I saw him and he set me straight. He said he thinks I’ve been doing life at about 85 mph the past few months and that I need to step back, understand that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and stop trying to force things to happen according to my time frame. For example, Jay and his procrastinating. The world won’t end if he doesn’t do all his cleaning and chores according to my timeline. If he doesn’t have everything packed up when it’s time to move out, that’s HIS problem, not mine. If he isn’t 100% moved out while I’m still here for that one last trip, he can hire help. He/we can hire someone to do the final cleaning prior to the new owners moving in. And he’s right. So, so right. I have to let go of some control.

Another thing I’m doing too much of is the self care. Too much self care? How can that be? The day we filed for divorce, I took the whole day off and decided to treat myself to a movie and a few other fun things. I ended up totally freaking out on an old lady in the movie theater who was trying to guilt me into moving so she and her friends could sit where I was sitting instead of her just fucking off and finding somewhere else to sit. Old people privilege? Don’t know. I had picked an uplifting movie but ended up crying the entire time and being anxious about my personal space and my future. Since the morning was already stressful enough, adding a movie plus additional fun activities was just too much for one day. He suggested I more closely examine what I really need when initiating self care and do one or two things best suited for the circumstances rather than multiple activities. Again, he’s right. 50 mph; not 85 mph.

I still adore Dr. P and his sage advice, but I’m pleased to report that any transference is completely over with. It was nearly all gone last time I saw him, but it’s truly completely a thing of the past now. It’s a good thing.

Tuesday we had our divorce hearing. It lasted all of ten minutes. Filled out a form, gave recorded testimony basically just reiterating the stuff on the settlement agreement, and that was it. Should be final by the end of March. $365 for the whole divorce. Half the price of my wedding gown. I can’t complain.

Wednesday I went back to work but still felt crampy, weak, and as if I had been dragged backward through a keyhole. What I thought was a bad first period after Mirena insertion turned out to be something quite different. I had been bleeding very heavily since Saturday so I called my doctor at about 9 am on Wednesday morning to check in. The literature and my friends all assured me that the first cycle after is pretty horrific and this was normal, but I had already bled through my clothes and all over the chair twice by 9 am and that didn’t seem right. I also felt weak and was having trouble articulating my thoughts to the point where the receptionist at the doctor’s office transferred me right to the nurse who directed me to leave work immediately and go to the ER for an emergency sonogram. 

I chugged as much water as I could get down on my way there and within the hour had had the scan and my doctor had examined the results. Turns out the Mirena had fallen out of place and the awful cramps and bleeding I had been experiencing for four days was my body trying very hard, and failing, to expel the device and it wasn’t my period but a continuous hemorrhage. The good news is that it hadn’t pierced any organs, but the only way to stop the continuous heavy bleed was to remove it, otherwise it would just continue to expel, expel, expel. Fun.

I’m SO glad I called my doctor when I did as it could have gotten much worse. She called my mobile while I was still in the ER to tell me what had happened, to discuss options, and to think about what I wanted to do because she was on her way there to fix it. While I was happy with the Mirena for the three weeks I had it, I wasn’t comfortable with the possibility of this happening again so I opted to have it removed. Within 30 minutes she removed it, gave me a huge hug, some Xanax and some other meds, and sent me on my way. In retrospect, I wonder if I could have benefited from a tiny transfusion to top me off. I felt weak and fuzzy in the brain most of yesterday. I went to GNO but ended up having a friend drive me home about two hours later. And I had completely forgotten that I has promised Shaun an email until he reminded me about it this morning. I’m not usually forgetful and fuzzy like that so it was a bad, bad day. Today I’m 90% better. A little headachey and sore, but almost back to normal.

So it’s been a hell of a week

The highlight of the week was my standing video chat with Rachel.We decided to talk every Sunday night and it goes on for hours. Six hours this week and we had to force ourselves to shut up, shut down, and go to sleep. Can’t wait for Sunday’s chat and to get home and start all the shenanigans we’ve been planning.


Posted in life, relationships

Good day

Today, so far anyway, is a good mental health day. I’m doing my best to not let anything happen to interfere with that, and respond to anything bad or irritating in the spirit of having a very good day.

Last night was fairly uneventful. I picked up some pizza slices from a restaurant near our house. Jay spent the evening studying for a test and I paid bills and worked on my personal budget. And it looks good. I’m really good with the budget numbers and like to project those numbers way out into the future. Not sure why; I guess it’s satisfying to me to see all the income, bills, and savings laid out so I can meet goals with regard to saving. I currently have our combined budget documented through 2019. I did that before we filed for divorce so obviously I’m not continuing to work on anything past 2017.

I added the money I will walk away from the marriage with, my share of the proceeds from the sale of the house, savings for the next 20 years, subtracted the cost of buying my own place, furnishing it, and paying it off in 15 years then added the projected value of my 401k at age 67 and it looks really good. Of course this is all dependent upon me staying with this job and making the same salary (I didn’t figure in any salary increases since they are so irregular nor any huge fluctuations in the market or compounded anything on savings or 401k) and not having any horrible illnesses or energencies. But it looks good and I should have enough money to last til I’m 87. With the exception of my cousins Anne, no one in my family has lived past 90 so this is good.

This morning at work has been good from a confidence perspective. Appreciative glances and gestures from a guy in the elevator then a guy at the coffee shop at work was flurry with me. Do y’all watch This Is Us? If you do don’t spoil it; I’m two episodes behind. Anyway the dude was very Toby-like and he made my day. Damn I love a funny guy. Then one of the cashiers at the coffee shop, who I see twice a week, commented that I look great and “have lost a ton of weight”. Not true since I’m up a dozen pounds from last year’s low. It’s more of a case of good hair and make up and making the most of my clothing.

This past year I’ve really stepped things up with my wardrobe and always always dress up for work even though I don’t need to. I’m doing it for me. Choosing classic pieces that fit well and are comfortable so I’m not tugging at them all day. Colors and styles that flow well and flatter my body shape create the illusion of a longer, leaner body. She and I talk about clothes nearly every time I see her and I always share my secrets with her. She and I are about the same size but she is a few inches taller. Gotta support other women and share the info. I hope in her away from work life that she’s rocking the same styles and feeling good about herself.
When I was returning to my desk with my coffee the gal who occupies the cube over the wall from me stopped by to ask about my hair and giving compliments galore. She and I have had a veerrrrry rocky relationship for about three years so it’s nice to see her finally taking hold of that olive branch I’ve repeatedly extended and getting over the butthurt. Apologies. I really hate that word but it so perfectly applies to this situation.

Tonight is GNO with my fiber friends. We meet every Wednesday but the third Wednesday of the month involves hitting up a local happy hour. I’m looking forward to food, drinks, and fun. I’m currently angry with one of the women in the group due to behavior and boundary issues so I really hope she follows through with her end of an agreement we made otherwise I’m not sure what to do. This is partly my fault for trying to do a nice thing for her and her not being respectful of that gesture. Long story. I’m sure if she fucks up again I’ll have something to write about it tomorrow. 

Posted in life, relationships

It’s Tuesday

At some point, and I can’t put my finger on exactly when,Valentine’s Day just lost any meaning to me and became just another day. I recall being in high school and making a big deal about it. In college, and when I was engaged to M, it was a big deal. Getting to the restaurant and having to wait an hour or two despite having made a reservation because every other dork in town was celebrating the “holiday”. 

After getting married I was finally over the “we have to go out ON Valentines Day” thing and was perfectly happy to go out the night before or the night after. Or, better yet, there was a pizza place nearby that made personal size heart shaped pizzas for that single day. That was sort of my thing for the first few years until Jay revealed that he didn’t like that pizza place so we stopped. And so did any celebration of V day.

We didn’t have tons of money so I always thought flowers were a waste of money. Once in a while he’d get grocery store flowers which were just fine with me, but mostly it was just another day and I was fine with it. Still am fine with it really. I mean, we just had Christmas and my birthday so why the hell do we have to go through a whole other gift giving occasion? 

Maybe I’d feel differently if things were awful between us, but everything is just the same boring stuff like it’s been for years. We’re getting along just the same for the most part. I’m still living there with him until I can move home (unless they reject my transfer) even though I’d prefer to move out. It’s a money saving move and one of convenience. It won’t kill me. 

 But the weirdness is just… weird. 

This morning I woke up late and was frantically running around trying to get to work on time. He woke up because I was making lots of noise, popped his head into the bathroom where I was getting ready and said happy Valentines Day. 

Really? Next week we’ll be divorced and you’re going to wish me a happy V day? Weird. Why bother? Weird.

Last week when I went in the dog rescue run he pulled one on me that he’s been doing a lot of. “Do you want me to go with you?” To which I reply “you’re not specifically excluded and are welcome to come along if YOU want to go.” This goes back and forth for a few minutes with me thinking no I really don’t want you to come and wanting to shoot “I’ve been wanting you to do life with me for fifteen years with little success, fuck off and find something else to do.” It almost always ends with him electing to NOT come with me. Big surprise. 

He did the same when I went to the Womens march. He did the same when I went on another road trip. Sorry dude. You had your chance to spend time with me and you always chose to stay home. Why do you think I want you around now?

I don’t hate Valentines day, it’s just another day. I know a lot of people who loathe it, dread it, find some alternate way of spending the day. Maybe they are people to whom V day always meant something or were tragically dumped and have relationship rage. For me, it’s just Tuesday. Maybe I’ll feel differently when I’m single and eating a Lean Cuisine alone in my apartment. Then again, it would be nice to someday get some flowers. I’d settle for a Hershey bar. With almonds, sil vous plait.

Posted in life, relationships


Feeling a little anxious again lately. Maybe the past two weeks or so. The combo of work drama and progress being made has me on edge. Plus, did I mention the acute claustrophobia thing? I don’t think I did.
A few weeks ago I attended that Bernie rally. It was a nice day but the rally was inside because people here are pansies. I got there ridiculously early so I went inside and had a front row seat, only there were no seats so we had to stand the entire time. I dressed up a bit and wasn’t wearing shoes appropriate for standing in one place for five hours so I was in pain and also very warm since I had my coat on and didn’t have enough room to take it off. As more people packed into the room, they started closing in on my personal space. This is not usually a problem, but lately I’ve felt claustrophobic at orchestra rehearsal (because the group has outgrown our rehearsal space), on the subway, even sometimes at work in the cafeteria. Like things start to feel dangerous and out of control when it feels like the number of people in any room is near its limit. Anyway, I had to get out of there. Yesterday I was supposed to play in a concert but I backed out of it earlier in the week because I couldn’t bear the thought of riding the bus there and then playing in the small performance space. So that’s a fun new development I’ll need to discuss with Dr. P when I see him next week. Next Monday can’t come soon enough.

Friday my boss informed me that my transfer is “in progress”. Not exactly sure what that means but it sounds like “they” are leaning toward letting me move home and still work for that hosebeast until I can find something with another team or division. So that’s good. Also, I’ve heard positive feedback about two other jobs I applied to in another division so that’s promising too, although one of them would involve a pretty hefty decrease in salary. It’s still a good salary, but I’d like to try to stay at the same level I’m at now if at all possible.

Although the transfer is good news, it’s also added a bit of anxiety as it is forward progress which means the next move is to get the house up for sale. I will likely move home at the same time and Jay will be left here to manage that process and then I’ll come back here to help him move out, move the rest of my stuff back to Illinois, and be done with it all. It’s a lot on my plate, thus the anxiety, but bigger mountains have been moved so I’m moving forward having faith in myself and that it’s all going to work out in the end. So much positive forward movement has already happened, that is just one more thing. I’m also trying to do all of this and bear all of the stress and anxiety without any medication so that’s a minor struggle too. Finding ways to keep from freaking out.

Today I had a great Skype convo with Rachel. We talked for five hours and it seemed like one. I miss her so much and cannot WAIT until I can get home where the shenanigans and spontaneous fun can happen again. I love our conversations and that we have yet to find, after 30+ years of friendship, any topic about which we disagree. I reminded her that we had talked several years ago about starting a podcast and she is still totally into doing that so that is something else to look forward to.


Posted in life

Micro micro micro micro management

I can’t stand being micro managed. It makes me crazy that I am a grown adult who has to check in with my boss with every move I make. I really need to stop calling her manager because she is not a manager and definitely not a leader. She is merely a supervisor and whip cracker. I really don’t have any idea what she does on a daily basis besides keep track of us like checkers on a board, snaps that whip,  and say rude things to us.

I’m aware that I need to stop focusing on her ridiculousness and get on with it, but it’s hard when literally every interaction with her is frustrating and she has so little respect for us as humans. I was raised to question things and that one has to earn respect so dealing with her and the bureaucracy has been hard from day one. I know every other employee feels the same way but either they don’t have the same level of passion for doing something about it or they’ve tried and were not successful. I suspect it’s the former as they are not the most dynamic motivated people I’ve met.


We have to send a daily email to every member of the team stating our work location for the day (home or office). We also have to set our out of office reminders with this same info. So what ends up happening is we each get a dozen emails from the team every day and then an additional email from everyone because their out of office is set. She thinks this is a good use of our time.

Today my trainee forgot to send her email so boss asked me to ask her to send her email. Trainee is not even allowed to work from home for a year so her daily email is a complete waste of time. 

Yesterday I asked to take the 21st off. She replied “is that the day after President’s Day?” What’s wrong with this picture? Rather than move her eyes up and slightly to the right to view her calendar which reads February 21 PRESIDENTS DAY (in bold red text), she emailed me, wasted both of our time, just so I could reply yes. WTF? I cannot imagine what prompts this level of sheer laziness. I assume she’s playing games and trying to exert control. It’s insane. She did this same thing when I asked for the day before Thanksgiving off. Need to ask Dr P what he thinks her deal is but I know he already wants to slap her as well from the little I’ve told him.

Just now boss asked me to IM the trainee and ask her to IM the boss. Why the fuck am I the middle man here? IM her yourself.

I’m starting to rethink the whole job transfer thing. Wondering if it wouldn’t be better to expand the job search to include my current area and transfer locally, then keep trying to transfer home. I’m not sure how much more of this “management” style I can handle. She’s truly the worst boss I’ve ever had. 

There’s still a hiring freeze but there was some positive movement with a position I applied to last spring so maybe something will come from that. Not holding my breath. Also it’s based here and not where I intimately want to be so that’s a factor. The position is in support of a more modern software system and more in line with my strengths and goals so it may be worth the delay in moving home. 

Posted in depression, life, relationships

Where Do You Go

When I wake in the middle of the night I think of you.
I wonder what it would be like to wake up, roll over, and find you beside me.
The sound of your soft exhalation as you wake to the sensation of my hand on your stomach, my lips on your chest, your neck.
To feel the curve of your smile as it forms on your lips as I kiss you in the dark.
Your hands reaching out to find mine.
Intertwined as we kiss then fall back to sleep.

When I wake in the morning, I try to fall back to sleep to avoid facing a new day of reality.
I close my eyes and again imagine you beside me.
Your hand reaching over from your side and resting on my waist.
Your hand sliding all the way across and over as we simultaneously move toward one another.
Your lips on my neck.
Whispering in my ear.
The words I long and need to hear.

Nights and mornings which cannot be.
Words that will never be spoken.
Moments stolen from someone else.
Disappearing into the ether